RAMIREZ!
by KaRath
Summary: Ramirez in real life. They took his voice out because of explicit stuff he said.    Warning, lots of language, but no violence, and definitely no sexual content. RAMIREZ, read, rate and review this fanfiction!
1. RAMIREZ!

AN: A humorous look at what would have been said if Ramirez could actually talk. Obviously, there are plot spoilers T_T

EDIT as of 25/07/2011 – Stoneface notified me about the content on this fanfiction, and I agree with what he said. I have to say it was quite sad to see how liberally I used the offensive terms like colloquial language, and I do apologize for that. Thank you to Stoneface for pointing this out. I encourage everyone to do this, because there's nothing worse than me sitting here thinking I wrote an awesome story but in reality people hate it because of the language. So yeah, I edited those parts out.

###

Scene One: BMT

Foley: RAMIREZ! USE YOUR SMOKE GRENADES ON THAT BMT!

Ramirez: Cool, I can finally use grenades! Wee! [Tosses one down the hill] ^o^ Fire in the hole!

A message shows up: "Grenades cannot damage this vehicle".

Ramirez: Sir, if fragmentation grenades don't work, why are we using smoke grenades?

Foley: RAMIREZ! USE YOUR SMOKE GRENADES ON THAT BMT!

Ramirez: [Sigh] Alright, because you're the ranking officer. [Spams smoke grenades onto the BMT].

Foley: Ramirez, come to the alley!

Ramirez: Sir, do I really have to? I hate alleys. I mean, there are always rats… dirty stuff… not to mention there may be homeless people here, digging up what they need for survival… and then the Russians came… DAMN YOU RUSSIANS! ALL THEY WANTED TO HAVE WAS A LIVING, YET YOU DENIED THEM!

[Ramirez runs into the alleyway and spots LOTS OF RUSSIANS]

Ramirez: REVENGE FOR THE FALLEN!

[Fires lots and lots of bullets from his SCAR]

Another Ranger who, unluckily, is not important to be named: Ramirez, there's one behind that car!

Ramirez: Don't worry, I'll kill that… YOU LIED! THERE'S TWO BEHIND THE CAR, YOU DUMBASS!

That Ranger: Hey, I didn't join the Rangers to count stuff, dude.

Ramirez: Well, one of those days when you're counting the bullets left in your magazine in the bottom-right corner of the screen and you run out and you're facing one hundred Russians and you don't know you're out of bullets because you can't count, you come back and tell me.

That Ranger: Umm…

Foley: Ramirez, stop talking and get to the roof and check out the supply drop!

Ramirez: I KNEW THERE WAS A CONSPIRACY HERE? WHY CAN'T FOLEY TELL YOU GUYS TO DO STUFF?

That Ranger: Bro, I don't have smoke grenades.

Ramirez: Fair enough.

Foley: RAMIREZ, RETRIVE THE PREDATOR MISSILE FROM THIS PISS FAR OBJECTIVE WITH LIKE NOTHING BUT YOUR GUN AGAINST 40 RUSSIANS! Oh, and there's like a BMT. Take it down with your bare hands.

Ramirez: Sir, can I say "screw you"?

That Ranger: You forgot the sir.

Ramirez: Thanks. Sir, can I say "screw you, sir?"

###

Scene two: On the rooftop

Foley: Ramirez, use everything on that rooftop to hold out against three hundred Russians!

Ramirez: What. You serious? Does it look like I'm in Task Force 141? Does it look like I can use every weapon perfectly? I trained to be a Ranger, not a sniper…

Foley: Ramirez, use the thermal scope to see through the smoke and take out enemies!

Ramirez: [Sighs] Alright, here goes, SIR.

[Ramirez shoots through the smoke and takes down enemies]

A random Russian: (In Russian) I swear one of those Americans is hacking.

Another random Russian: (In Russian) Probably. What can you do? We're just luckless, no named NPC that the Americans get to kill.

The first random Russian: (In Russian) let's not forget that THEY killed civilians in the airport.

The second random Russian: (In Russian) I bet you that was a conspiracy. Let me guess, you've got a bad guy's gang who is infiltrated by an American, but the leader knows and kills all the civilians in an airport, AND THEN goes away and kills the American and leaves his body so the Russian authorities have an excuse to invade America, and we're sent in thinking we're doing the right thing.

Yeah, we should stop fighting with these Americans and figure out the truth. They didn't do that many evil things anyway. [Bursts out laughing with the first Russian] That sounds like a lame plot that a third-rate writer would create. I mean, who would believe that? XD

Anyway, back to Ramirez…

Ramirez: Woah, the sky looks so pretty… 0 o 0

Foley: RAMIREZ, GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROOF!

Ramirez: [Pouting] Why? D:

A Russian Helicopter passes by, strafing him with weapons

Ramirez: WHAT THE HELL! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Take this, you mechanical piece of crap! Nothing can stand up to the Ramirez! [Picks up a Javelin and uses it]

HAHAHAHA, I CAN STILL STAY ON THE ROOF! : D

(Thirty more Russian Helicopters appear)

Ramirez: Seriously -.-? I'm outta here. [Jumps off the roof]

###

Scene Three: Moving through the suburbs

Foley: RAMIREZ! USE YOUR LASER DESIGNATOR TO PAINT TARGETS FOR OUR VEHICLES!

Ramirez: Screw you, sir. Seriously, why me? Why do I have to do everything? "Ramirez, there's one behind that car. Ramirez, cover me. Ramirez, use one bullet to take out the entire Russian army. Ramirez, use this tactical nuke to destroy everything the enemy has. Ramirez, suck my dick." It seriously is getting SCREWED UP. : (

Foley: RAMIREZ, GET OUT OF THE WAY OF HONEY BADGER! YOU'RE GOING TO GET RUN OVER!

Ramirez: No, I want a ride. I'm tired of walking and using laser designators and pistols to take down an entire Russian army. What for anyway? I say we stay like this under the Russians. We could learn to co-exist and take down the true enemies: the sheep from New Zealand. ^o^

Foley: RAMIREZ, STOP BITCHING ABOUT YOUR JOB AND DO IT ALREADY!

Ramirez: Hey, no fair! You can't deviate from the game script! :

###

Scene Four: In a Helicopter, destroying SAM sites

Foley: Alright, if we're going down, we're going to take them with us!

Ramirez: Sir, are you CRAZY? T_T All I've got is like a pathetic chaingun. They have missiles! THREE HUNDRED THOUSANDS MISSILES JUST TARGETING US!

(Helicopter flies over SAM sites)

Ramirez: [Sigh] Guess I'll take as many as I can before the helicopter cra-

(Helicopter crashes)

(After a delightfully disorientating scene)

Ramirez: [stirs] Oww… I feel so sore, like I had sex… WAIT, DID I HAVE SEX? AM I NO LONGER A VIRGIN? [Looks at hands] No, damn it. I remember now. My helicopter crashed. :

Another Ranger (not That Ranger): Here! Take this, and stay down! [Gets shot in the head]

Ramirez: BASTARDS! [Starts spraying with the M4] YOU KILLED ONE OF MY BUDDIES THAT WAS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO ONLY HAVE "RANGER" AS HIS SUBTITLED NAME!

Foley: Ramirez! Last magazine! Make it count!

Ramirez: No, screw you sir! I'm going to use it un-Ranger style! [Stands up, doesn't bother aiming down the sight and fires the gun] Yeah, you Russians! Who's the master now? Huh? Who's the master? : D

(Gun clicks empty) Oh for fu-

(Corporal Dunn gets shot somewhere)

Foley: CORPORAL!

Ramirez: I KNEW IT! YOU LOVE DUNN MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME! THAT'S IT SIR! OUR RELATION IS DONE! :' (

(A helicopter light blinds him, and something happens and a lot of weird things happen)

Another Ranger (not That Ranger): [Removes planks] Alright, let's go!

Ramirez: Holy shit, planes are falling from the sky! Newton was wrong about gravity! -o-

Dunn: EMP! FOLLOW ME, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!

(They all run to shelter before they become Ranger Sandwiches. Heh, they were almost Ranger Sandwiches anyway o_o () )

Dunn: Man, everything is getting screwed up. Washington is full of Russians, planes are falling from the sky, and so much more crap is going on…

Foley: Shut up Corporal! One more word from you and I'm going to make Ramirez the Corporal! Our weapons still work, so we can still kick ass!

Ramirez: Corporal Ramirez… [dreamy look in his eyes]

Foley: Alright, Rangers, let's move out.

Ramirez: Corporal Ramirez… [still has a dreamy look in his eyes]

(Later on, outside)

Another Ranger: Hey Corporal, my red dot sight is out.

Dunn: So is mine. This is weird, man.

Ramirez: [Facepalm] I swear Corporal, you must be the dumbest person I have ever met, or that injury made you slightly smarter before our medic patches you up. Seriously, it's the EMP. You said so yourself, smartass.

###

Scene Five: Popping Flares

Foley: Listen up men! We've got two minutes to get to the top of the Whitehouse and pop our green flares! Let's go, go go!

Ramirez: Sir, wait up! [Starts up Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 soundtrack] [Starts humming the Rangers epic theme] Alright, I'm good to go.

(Rushes up stairs while shooting Russians and meeting more Rangers)

Ramirez: Wow! So many of my colleagues! This is awesome!

(Pops flares right next to That Ranger (yes, he makes a return!))

Ramirez: Oh, hey man! Long time no see! How's it going?

That Ranger: (waving flares while the jets scream past) Oh, not too bad. Shooting Russians, winning friends and influencing people as usual. How's the leader?

Ramirez: A pain in the arse. He said he would make me Corporal!

Dunn: Hey Sarge, when are we going to go to Moscow?

Foley: Not soon enough Corporal. When the time is right. When the time is right.

That Ranger: I can't wait to burn it into the ground.

Ramirez: [Groans] Guys, can't we get some R&R? I really need to go find a girlfriend, seriously I'm like twenty-something and I don't have a girlfriend.

That Ranger: You may want to consider waiting. After all, show a photo of your loveheart to anyone, you'll die…

Ramirez: [Cries] You mean I'm going into Russia WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND?

That Ranger: Yes.

Ramirez: [Cries].

###

Scene six: Afterwards (non-canon, me just screwing around, figuratively, not literally of course… though Ramirez would love that ;D)

Me: Ramirez!

Ramirez: Screw you sir! I'm not doing it!

Me: Umm, I'm not in the army…

Ramirez: Oh. I thought you're going to give me another impossible order.

Me: Nah, I was thinking… you know, you did quite your share during this last war.

Ramirez: I did… I mean, I saved America, destroyed AA-guns, destroyed SAM-sites and saved Washington… and I don't even get promoted to Corporal (very, very, very sad face). AND I STILL DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!

Me: Actually, I do have a plan…

Ramirez: Pray tell.

Me: Well, let's see… it's called making a game out of your heroics.

Ramirez: I'm very, very interested now.

Me: You're going to be the second character in the new Call Of Duty Series who will actually survive!

Ramirez: Yay! But can I survive in the sequel? I really, really want to find a girlfriend.

Me: Speaking of which, why don't you have one?

Ramirez: [Sighs] because I think I always preferred to be by myself and play with NERF guns.

Me: That's perfectly fine. I do that as well.

Ramirez: [Perks up] You should join the Rangers!

Me: Some other time. Let me find you a girlfriend first.

Ramirez: [Happy face] Yay, a girlfriend!

Me: (You know, this gives me a great, great idea… heh heh heh…)

###

Me: And that's the end of this. Hopefully, we can see more of Ramirez's interesting insights in my next short story… which I have a great, great idea ;)

Ramirez: I'm willing to share my side any time… unless I'm the all-potent silent protagonist ;D

Me: Anyway, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed the crude humour, and I'll see you guys next time!

Ramirez: See you guys… wait, what the hell is the author going to do?

Me: I'm going to need a studio and a pretty good host…

Ramirez: Oh no…


	2. TAKE DOWN THAT AC130 WITH YOUR HANDS

AN: I'm back to torture Ramirez even more. Probably will modify the first chapter later to reduce the rating from M to T, just to get more hits heeheehee ^_^

Because the last chapter covered most of Ramirez's finest points, I'm going to have to really scramble for good ones on this. Oh well, I'll think of some good stuff.

### Hunter-Two-One

"Welcome to Hunter-Two, Ramirez." Sergeant Foley of the 131st Ranger Battalion welcomed their newest recruit.

"Awesome. So, when we heading over to some unknown Middle Eastern country (because I hate to, you know, reference to real life wars at the moment) and take on some OpFor? Because we have to be politically correct here."

"Alright, so since we just returned from our deployment, should be a good month of some rest and relaxation. Shoot some pool, play some basketball AND WAIT YOUR TURN, and… oh, I don't know, anything you want, really."

"… you know, if we look at previous Call of Duty games, I bet you that I'm going to be shooting Russians real soon."

"Ramirez, quit your bitching and head down to Burger Town and get me a happy meal!" Dunn ordered.

"Damn it, what do I get out of this?"

"If you get two happy meals with the ketchup and some soft drink, I'll give you command of your own little squad in the Hunter-Two-One squad," Foley responded.

"Fine, I'll get those happy meals." Ramirez left the Rangers Headquarter, shaking his head as he headed to purchase two happy meals for his commanding officers.

_Origin of this story – "Ramirez, take your squad and secure Burger Town!"_

### Breaching, breaching!

"Sarge, did HQ just tell us to "F" ourselves?" Dunn asked.

"Pretty much, Corporal!" Foley responded.

"HQ just assumes that all of us don't have girlfriends these days," Ramirez said sadly.

The BMT down the street started tearing up the suburban houses. Ramirez gasped. "How dare they? Do you know how much effort was expended on painting all those houses? The effort that each homeowner took to ensure their place was pristine and clean…"

"Ramirez, shut up and follow me! We're staying right behind that BMT." Foley started moving off, but Ramirez was nowhere in sight.

"Ramirez? Where did you go?"

As Foley was figuring out where Ramirez had gone, Ramirez had entered one of the burning houses. "Hey, a refrigerator. Let's see what's inside… no way, leftover chicken! And it's some good chicken as well!"

Ramirez pulled out the chicken and then thought for a while. He hated eating his chicken cold, so he decided to keep the plate over the fire for a bit. After "cooking" the chicken, he smiled and was ready to dig in…

"RAMIREZ! GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THAT HOUSE, AND GET OVER HERE! THAT'S AN ORDER, SOLDIER!" Foley's voice had to interrupt something good.

Ramirez walked out, where the chicken was promptly snatched by Foley.

"Ramirez, use your smoke grenades on that BMT!" Foley ordered while munching on the cooked chicken.

_Origin of this story: Ever tried exploring them houses and finding chicken?_

### Magazine Machines

"R. R. R. R. R. R. R." Ramirez kept repeating the word as he kept ejecting the magazine and switching weapons before a new magazine was slotted in.

"Ramirez, what are you doing?" Corporal Dunn asked.

"You know Corporal, this world is sometimes pretty amazing… R, R, R, R…"

"Tell me what you're doing Ramirez, or cut that out this instance!" Foley walked over and gave Ramirez and stern look.

"Sarge, I was just being amazed by this gun. Look, no matter how many times I drop the magazine out, another one always appears in the gun again. It's magical!"

"Ramirez, the only thing that's going to be magical is if you don't piss me off and give me excuses to tell you to do something impossible… so quit making that racquet and get your hand back on the trigger!"

Ramirez sighed and stopped playing around with his SCAR, and got back to work.

_Origin of this story: R one one R one one R one one R one one (loop)_

### Any chance of some service here?

Ramirez slotted a Russian with a double tap from his trusty M4A1. He dropped the magazine out and inserted a fresh one, and continued firing while aiming down the sights, taking down any invaders that dared to put their head into his crosshair.

While Honey Badger was proceeding forward, Ramirez decided to take a little detour towards the left of Honey Badger. He proceeded to keep neutralising tangos while proceeding towards tall buildings that looked suspiciously like large apartment blocks.

He opened a few doors to see what happened here… and to his glee, most of them were devoid of any beings, dead or alive. He breathed a sigh of relief as he headed into the manager's office.

The manager of the apartment obviously had a fine taste in alcohol, with over three hundred bottles of fine alcohol lining a shelf.

"Sergeant, come in. Can you hear me?"

"Ramirez? Where the hell are you? Get your ass back to Honey Badger so you can designate targets! I'm too lazy to do it myself…"

"No Sarge, you gotta come here man. And bring the entire squadron down. There's a WHOLE shelf full of alcohol… is that a 1979 bottle of Cognac?"

"… How much alcohol?"

"300 bottles or so. Probably more."

"Honey Badger, we're Oscar mike on a more… important mission. Could you give us "inventory" support, over?"

"This is Honey Badger, glad to give you support as long as we get some choice in the selection of alcohol, heh heh."

"That's a solid copy Honey Badger. Rangers, we're Oscar Mike, we're heading over to where Ramirez is!"

_Origin of the story: Imagine if the Rangers got drunk. Hahaha._

### Grab that briefcase… what's left of it.

"Hunter Two One, this is General Shephard. I need you to retrieve a personal item for me."

"Knowing that it's a high level spec ops dickhead who doesn't care about Danger Close, I'd say it's something that's highly suspicious and probably containing conspiracy material," Ramirez snorted.

"That's a solid copy, General. Alright Rangers, you heard the man, let's move!"

Thankfully the streets were now cleared of any foreign invaders by now, so it was a relatively easy task of pushing through the wreckage of a crashed aeroplane and heading into a house that was wrecked.

Ramirez was on point. Obviously. Hence, he was the first one to spot the Russian heading over to the refrigerator.

"Oi, Suzy!" he called out.

The Russian turned around, panicked, and tried to draw his gun… but he was simply too slow. Ramirez put a bullet in his head for all his troubles, and headed upstairs.

"Wow, what a surprise. Dead Russian soldiers, and a dead High Value Individual. I mean, who didn't see that plot twist coming?" Ramirez stated sarcastically.

Foley entered the room. "Ramirez, quit your bitching, and grab that briefcase… what's left of it."

Ramirez grabbed the briefcase and opened it up. "HOLY SHI-"

"Sarge, come take a look at this." Dunn waved Foley over towards the dead Russian soldier on the floor, obviously to Ramirez's shocked look and language.

"Look at these tattoos… looks like some bad-ass Russian spec ops operator… what do we do now, Sarge?"

"Take some photos and send them to HQ. Overlord, this is Hunter Two One Actual. The HVI is dead."

Ramirez's mouth was still open as he shut the briefcase. Seriously, inflatable sex dolls? And… oh god… someone burn his memory out now before he would develop a serious case of dementia.

_Origin of the story: HVI and… inflatable sex dolls in an estate? WHAT?_

### In the next episode of "Modern Warfare"…

His head hurt. It seemed like it was pulsating against his helmet.

His hands. It felt like the time he accidentally scraped the skin off his fingernails while using a razorblade, except a hundred times worse.

But the worst thing was the hundreds of Russians that surrounded him, and the thirty bullets left in his cartridge. Oh, and a few helicopters. You know, completely winnable odds.

He made sure that his training was well wasted, and just emptied his magazine into the crowd.

"Ramirez! Last mag, make it count!" Foley threw him a magazine, and Ramirez caught it before it came anywhere near him. "I'm just on fire today," Ramirez smirked as he slotted the magazine and emptied it faster than you could say "Holy Russian Mackerel Fish Cakes".

Then Dunn got wounded, and it all looked doomed from there. A helicopter's light blinded Ramirez…

Suddenly, a random announcer voice could be heard. "What will happen to Foley, Dunn and Ramirez? Surrounded by Russians, and nowhere to go. Could this be the end for our heroes? Find out next week on the next episode of "Modern Warfare"!

Ramirez swore. "What the fuck?"

_Origin of the story – In the next episode of any generic clichéd anime…_

###

AN: I'm really running out of ideas on this one. I mean, I think I bashed Ramirez enough… I can't think of any other ways to bash the game.

The reason why I did a second chapter was because the first one had a decent-ish review… so might as well make a sequel to milk the views out of them CoD fanboys. Heh heh.

Anyway, post a review up on what you think of it. I'm aware that the dialogue isn't 100% accurate at some stages, but it's been a long time since I played Modern Warfare 2. I only started again because I've been playing CoD4 a lot recently.

Anyway, R & R, and check out my other stories! From humour (e.g. this) to romance (Golden Sun, hehehehe ^^) and… whatever I feel like.


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